I had my very first crash and burn moment as a teacher last week.

And, technically, I’m not even a teacher yet.

I’ve taken the last week to reflect and ponder about my utter failure in the classroom.

Last Wednesday I was reviewing morning work with 75 6th grade students. Most of the problems were multiple-step math equations, so the constructivist in me instructed students to explain how they arrived at their answers. The very last question for the students was a proportions equation that asked students to estimate how many inches, meters, or yards a given length in feet would be. The question had four very complex answers, so I asked the students to practice eliminating the incorrect answers. Students were pretty confused, so I figured that clearly the best thing to do would be to have one of them try to answer it on the board in front of the rest of the group. Needless to say, the student was thoroughly confused, which also confused me, causing me to forget how to answer the question. After babbling for a good minute, I ducked out and asked the regular teacher to show the students how to answer the question.

Sigh.

What happened to me?

I’ve taught before.

Quite a bit, in fact.

I feel confident in front of students.

I normally recover quickly when I make mistakes in front of the kids.

I’m fun, for heaven’s sake!

So what did I do wrong?

Reflecting back on this experience in the classroom, when I found myself in a complete rut, I completely panicked. My nerves overtook me and I couldn’t find my words. Partially, I was nervous teaching for the first time in front of a group of teachers who already knew what they were doing. Partially, I was nervous teaching in front of my MTR colleagues who I assumed expected me to be good. Partially, I was surprised by not catching my mistake quickly and fixing my error, and the element of surprise threw off my ability to recover.

After I humbly walked back to my seat at the side of the room, my thoughts were racing. I’m never going to be good at this. I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I do it right? What if the students walk away from my class less smart than they came in? Can I really do this job?

As I was reflecting on my initial panicked thoughts, I realized that this was the first time in the classroom that I utterly failed. While working at Breakthrough and at MESA, I had made mistakes before and said wrong things that I had to later correct, but this was actually the first time that teaching was really hard for me.

So, THAT’S what it feels like! The feeling of overwhelming insecurity. The feeling that you’ll never be able to do your job right. The feeling that your students are on the tipping point of overtaking you.

That’s it.

Despite the fact that I made a huge blunder in front of my fellow residents, professional teachers, and a myriad of 12 year olds, my confidence was only temporarily shaken. I know that I have so much to learn before I am an excellent teacher for every student in my classes.  I’ll probably continue to fail in certain ways, but I am confident that those failures will only make me stronger and wiser.

Being humbled really hurts. But being humbled also causes you to grow.

T-Minus 12 days until my first official class!